


Hold me till it hurts

by Wolkje25



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Angst, M/M, Mentions of Childhood Sexual Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-16
Updated: 2016-03-16
Packaged: 2018-05-27 04:19:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6269428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolkje25/pseuds/Wolkje25
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Gordon's trial, Aaron is keen on leaving the past behind him. But is that really as simple as it seems?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Hold me till it hurts

**Author's Note:**

> Written of a prompt from the amazing flawswelove! I hope this is what you had intended it to be! Anyway, enjoy!

Robert entered the back room of the pub, five days after Gordon’s trial had been finished and he had been sent down. They were still pretending to only be friends and although Robert really wanted to be more, he knew it was still the best decision to keep his distance from Aaron. He knew Aaron had a long way to go to process everything that had happened and to start a relationship with him now, would only stand in the way of that. Didn’t mean, Robert didn’t check up on Aaron every now and again.

Aaron was sitting at the dinner table, eating his lunch and looked up when Robert entered.

“Hiya, I was just wondering if you would be at the scrapyard this afternoon. I thought I’d come by and check on the accounts,” Robert said. 

“And you came all this way to ask me this,” Aaron stated, looking amused. “You could’ve just called.”

Robert just smiled, but didn’t reply, feeling slightly embarrassed, as Aaron was in fact right. 

Aaron rolled his eyes, although Robert noticed he had to suppress a smile. He stood up from his seat and put his plate and mug in the sink, before turning around and leaning against the counter. “So, you’re checking up on me,” Aaron said and Robert realized Aaron knew him all too well. “I’m fine, Robert. I promise ya.”

“I know you are,” was all Robert said, wondering if Aaron’s words were true and he was really okay, wondering if he believed his own words.

Aaron pushed himself away from the counter and took a few steps towards Robert. “So…what now?” Aaron asked, looking quite hesitant, nervous, but Aaron’s eyes were open and affectionate and Robert found he had a hard time breathing. 

“I don’t know,” Robert confessed, realizing his eyes lingered a bit too long on Aaron’s lips, while Aaron swayed lightly and Robert knew exactly what Aaron was doing.

“I think I do,” Aaron mumbled as he took another step forwards, invading Robert’s personal space. He was so close now Robert could feel the warmth of Aaron’s body. Before Robert could react Aaron pressed his lips against Robert’s. Robert took a step back at once. “Aaron-” Robert breathed out.

He knew it was a bad idea, reminding himself it had only been a few days since the trial had ended and Aaron was way too vulnerable to do anything like this, knowing it would do Aaron more harm than good in the end. 

But Aaron moved back in, ignoring Robert’s plead, his eyes so vulnerable and open, and Robert was too much of a coward to walk away from it. Aaron pulled him in as he moved in for a kiss, pressing his lips against Robert’s, desperate but demanding as if he needed it, as if he had ached for it. And Robert just let it happen. All he could feel was Aaron pressed up against him, finally feeling Aaron’s lips against his again, finally having Aaron’s skin under his hands again, feeling Aaron’s heartbeat speed up out of something other than despair or embarrassment. 

Robert made a groaning sound in the back of his throat and he moved his hand to the back of Aaron’s head, pulling him close, drawing him into the kiss, totally lost in the feeling of Aaron’s lips on his. All thoughts of worry for Aaron forgotten, Robert’s mouth opened up under Aaron’s, and Aaron’s tongue darted out, desperate to find Robert’s. 

Aaron sucked on Robert’s lower lip and Aaron pressed himself forwards, moving against Robert, and Robert could feel Aaron’s cock as it rubbed up against his own, a wave of pleasure running through Robert.

Robert pulled back at once, stepping away from Aaron’s embrace, knowing it would be a mistake if he would continue this, realizing what he had been doing. Robert moved a hand through his hair, trying to get his breathing back under control, trying to order his thoughts. “I’m sorry, Aaron. I can’t.”

Aaron looked incredulous for a moment, as if he couldn’t really comprehend what was happening. “Seriously? You’re turning me down? Again?” Aaron asked, his voice hoarse, filled with surprise and hurt. 

Robert licked over his lips, could still feel Aaron’s lips pressed against them. He felt terrible for hurting Aaron like this. It just didn’t feel right, he couldn’t ask this from Aaron yet. He felt like he needed to explain himself though, make Aaron understand why. “I’m sorry Aaron. I just think you’re not ready,” Robert replied honestly, carefully.

Aaron huffed loudly. “You’re serious? As I told you before, that’s my decision to make,” Aaron hissed low in his throat.

“I just don’t want you to do something you might regret,” Robert responded calmly, trying to make Aaron see sense.

“No, you just don’t want me anymore, not like that,” Aaron shot back, a dark scowl appearing on his face and Robert knew it was to mask the hurt. “You’re just too scared to admit it.”

Robert sighed, knowing Aaron would look at it the wrong way. “Oh come on, Aaron. That’s hardly fair.” Robert realized he had said the wrong thing when Aaron’s eyes darkened even more.

“You know what is not fair?! You giving me false hope,” Aaron replied harshly, but Robert could hear the hurtful undertone in his voice.

“I never did anything like that!” Robert replied angrily, annoyed that Aaron never seemed to listen to a word he said. 

“You can just tell me that you don’t want me anymore! Then you can just walk away!” Aaron all but shouted.

“That’s so not what this is about!” Robert fired back, his frustrations shooting to the surface.

“You know what?!” Aaron shouted, grabbing his jacket and jagging it on. “I don’t need this! I don’t need you! I’ll go somewhere where I can find someone who does want me!”

“I do want you!” Robert yelled in exasperation. Aaron’s words hit him like a bullet train, realizing what Aaron was about to do. 

“You’ve got a funny way of showing that,” Aaron shot back, sounding bitter.

“Aaron-” Robert started desperately, walking after Aaron as Aaron retrieved to the door. 

“Stay away Robert,” Aaron warned, as he turned around, his eyes brewing darkly. “Apparently that’s exactly what you want.”

Aaron slammed the door closed and Robert looked at it, having no idea what to do now, hoping that Aaron would be okay and he wouldn’t get hurt, hoping he had done the right thing by turning him down.

xXx

“I just don’t understand why you would turn him down,” Victoria commented, leaning on the bar. Robert was sitting on a barstool. He had been waiting for Aaron to come back ever since he left after their argument. He had been gone for almost four and a half hours now. Robert had tried to call Aaron so many times, he had lost count himself. Robert hadn’t left his place at the bar since the moment he had sat down. Well, he had, but just because he had had to use the men’s room. 

“He isn’t ready, Vic,” Robert shot back. “I know him. I know he wants to be ready, I know he thinks he is ready. But he’s not.” Robert took a sip from his water. Victoria had wanted to give him a pint on multiple occasions, but he had refused. He needed to be sober when he talked to Aaron. He needed for Aaron to understand. 

“Isn’t he the one to decide that?” Victoria pointed out.

“God, you sound just like him,” Robert complained. He knew he had been right to say no to Aaron, but Victoria’s reasoning made him doubt himself.

“So…maybe he’s got a point,” Victoria replied, matter of factly.

“He ran off to have sex with a random stranger, how is that making a point?” Robert reacted bitterly.

“I think you’re just jealous because you said no and now he ran off to someone else,” Victoria responded.

“And I think you should mind your own business,” Robert shot back, partly realizing she was right. He didn’t like it one bit Aaron had run off like that and was probably having meaningless sex with a complete stranger. It should’ve been him. He had always thought he would be the first and last person Aaron would ever kiss after the whole trial had been over. He had thought they would find their way back to each other. Now though, they couldn’t be further apart. 

It was that moment Chas entered from the back. Robert contemplated if he should even ask her if she knew were Aaron was, but eventually decided he didn’t really care what she might think. “Have you heard from Aaron?”

“Why would I have?” she inquired, her voice snarling, her eyes shooting towards his face. Apparently she saw the look on his face, because her voice was suddenly filled with fake concern: “Aah, have you been stood up?”

“Yeah, something like that.” Then Robert’s phone lit up and he shot up from his chair when he saw who it was. “Aaron. Thank God, are you okay?” He knew his voice sounded a bit desperate, but right now he didn’t really care. He turned away from Chas and Victoria, not willing to see their faces.

There was no reaction on the other side of the line for so long, Robert started to wonder if there was even anyone there. “Aaron? Are you there?” Robert asked, his voice filled with worry.

Robert heard some soft sniffing on the other side and his heart seemed to sink into his stomach as his stomach turned around with a nauseating feeling.

“Aaron?” Robert asked tentatively, his voice filled with worry. 

“Can you come and pick me up?” Aaron’s voice was soft and trembled lightly and Robert realized something was terribly wrong. The unsettling feeling in his stomach intensified.

Robert was already halfway out of the pub when Aaron was done talking, ignoring the looks Victoria and Chas were shooting in his direction, before he closed the door of the pub and ran to his car. “Yes, of course. Just tell me where you’re at.” He fumbled for his keys, while he kept running.

Aaron mumbled the address and Robert realized it was a hotel and he could feel the hurt settle in his gut. He decided to ignore it. This was not about him, this was about Aaron and he clearly needed his help. He opened his car door, before he stopped moving for a moment and asked: “Aaron, are you okay? Did anything happen?”

“I just wanna go home,” was the only thing Aaron said, his voice so small, it broke Robert’s heart even without seeing him.

Robert had to swallow the lump in his throat before he could speak again: “Okay. Just stay where you are. I’ll come and get you, okay?” He sat down in his car and closed the car door. He fumbled with his keys before he jagged them in the ignition lock.

Aaron just breathed. Robert hated that he had to hang up on him, but knew he didn’t have a choice, if he wanted to get to him. So he switched of the call, and started the engine. 

xXx

Robert didn’t know how long it had taken him to get there, knew he had driven way above speed limit. But he didn’t care, he just needed to see Aaron, to know if he was okay. A speeding ticket was the least of his worries. He practically ran into the hotel, he only slowed down his pace when he realized that he had no idea how to get inside Aaron’s room. He figured there was only one way to play this. He just hoped Aaron booked the room under his own name. 

Robert strolled towards the desk. The woman at the desk looked up at him and smiled friendly. “Good day, sir. Checking in?”

Robert smiled back at her, before he spoke up. “Yes. Aaron Livesy.”

She typed something in on her keyboard and looked at the screen. “I’m sorry, but he already checked in for two persons.”

Robert faked to be shocked and let his face turn to anger, clenching his jaw. He moved a hand through his hair, veining agitation, before he leaned on the desk. “I’m sorry to bother you, but it’s just… I am his boyfriend. Could you to tell me which room he’s in? I promise to keep it quiet.”

The woman looked sympathetically at him and he knew he had convinced her. She stood up and handed him a card key. “I know how it feels,” she entrusted him. “Just keep it down. We don’t want any of our other guests to hear any of it.”

Robert grimaced at her. “Don’t worry, I’ll make it quick.” He took the keycard from her. “Third floor, second door on your left,” she added. 

Robert nodded at her. “Thank you.” He made his way to the stairs and climbed them, taking two steps at the same time. When he came on the third floor, he all but ran to the right door, but when he had reached it, he stood still in front of it, suddenly feeling anxious. 

He didn’t know what to expect and frankly was quite frightened what he would find when he would enter. Aaron had sounded so hurt and miserable on the phone. Robert wished with all his heart nothing had happened to him, not after everything. He took a deep breath to steady himself, before he opened the door with the keycard. He entered and put the keycard in his pocket, closing the door behind him. Robert walked further into the room. 

“Aaron?” he mumbled softly. The room was dark, no lights were on and for a moment Robert even wondered if Aaron was there at all. Then he heard some soft sniffing and he noticed Aaron, curled up against the wall, next to the bed, looking frighteningly small. 

Robert didn’t know how fast he had to walk over and before he knew it, he was on his knees in front of him. 

“Aaron?”

Aaron looked up by the sound of his voice and his eyes filled up with tears when he realized Robert was sitting in front of him. Robert noticed it weren’t the first tears he had shed. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I thought I could… but I just… when he… I just couldn’t…” Aaron seemed to break down as he let his head rest on his arms and his body started to shake uncontrollably. Robert moved, sat down beside him and pulled Aaron into him. Aaron went willingly, pressing his face into Robert’s chest, wrapping his arm around Robert’s torso. “Hey, hey, it’s okay. I’m here. I’m here,” Robert mumbled softly into Aaron’s hair. His chest contracted painfully and he had to take a deep breath to keep his own emotions under control. 

Robert could feel Aaron break down in his arms. He was crying, soft, hurtful sobs and those quiet sounds hurt Robert more than anything else had ever done. Robert knew Aaron tried to keep quiet, tried to dissolve into him, by the way he clamped onto him and Robert tightened his arms around him. The silent sobs, the continued shaking of Aaron’s body, broke Robert’s heart and formed a big lump in his throat. “It’s okay. I’m here. You’re safe,” Robert murmured again, his voice rough and shaky. Aaron didn’t seem to be able to speak or stop crying. Robert’s eyes were filling up with tears by Aaron’s despair and he took a shuddering intake of breath. 

“It’s gonna be okay. No one can hurt you now,” Robert muttered, his heart aching for Aaron. Aaron took a shuddering breath. “He didn’t…” Aaron murmured softly, his voice shaky and thick from the tears. “He didn’t…hurt me.”

Aaron took another shaky breath, moving with the sleeve of his sweater over his eyes. “I just…I couldn’t…” Aaron’s voice faltered and it took him a moment to speak again. “You were right. I’m just…I’m not ready.” Aaron rested his head against Robert’s chest, as if he could vanish into him and Robert realized how hard it was for Aaron to accept it, let alone tell him. 

“It’s okay,” Robert replied calmly. He pulled back a bit, so he could hold Aaron’s face in his hands. He wiped away the tears from Aaron’s cheeks. Aaron wasn’t looking at him, he was looking down at his hands, at the ground as if he was ashamed of himself. He knew Aaron was feeling unbelievable fragile right now. He just needed for Aaron to really hear this, needed for Aaron to understand. “Aaron, look at me,” Robert ordered softly. Aaron took a deep, shaky breath, before he moved his eyes up to Robert’s face. 

Red, tear-rimmed eyes stared at Robert. A single tear rolled down Aaron’s cheek, stinging his tear stained face. His eyes had become a glacier blue under the sheen of water in his eyes, like a dam that was about to burst. In that moment, looking in Aaron’s eyes, Robert understood the depth of pain that had been locked up inside Aaron’s skin.

Robert’s voice was not more than a low whisper when he spoke, his voice rough with emotions: “I’ll wait for you. Until you are ready. I don’t care how long I’ll have to wait. But I will. Because I love you and nothing could ever change that.”

Fresh tears welled up in Aaron’s eyes and Robert pulled him back into him, pressing a soft kiss on Aaron’s hair. “That’s not something you have to cry over, you know,” Robert commented, trying to lighten up the mood. 

“I know,” Aaron breathed out softly, his hand clenched into the fabric of Robert’s shirt. Aaron’s voice was not more than a silent whisper when he muttered: “I love you too.”

Robert’s heart seemed to flutter up with warmth, when Aaron said those words. He had waited so long for it. When Aaron had said it the last time, he hadn’t been ready to hear it. But now, Robert’s skin buzzed with happiness and his insides were glowing with a warm feeling. He pressed another, long kiss on Aaron’s hair.

“Tell me what happened,” Robert said softly. Aaron took another deep breath, before he pulled back and rested against the wall for a moment. Then he moved and looked down at the ground. He used the sleeve of his sweater again to wipe his face clean and sniffed lightly. Then Aaron told him what happened in a soft, quiet voice. How hurt he had been when Robert had turned him down, how he had gone into town to prove to him and to himself he was ready. He told Robert he had found a bloke and he had taken him to this hotel room. They had kissed and Aaron had been willing to take things further. 

Robert’s heart clenched painfully when Aaron told him he had kissed another man, but he didn’t comment on it, just let Aaron continue: “It was alright, you know. Until he wanted to take my shirt of and I just…” Aaron’s voice faltered and he shuddered lightly. “I just freaked out. All I could think off was when Gordon…when he…” Aaron’s voice broke again and Robert understood, his heart clenching together. Robert noticed Aaron had started crying again, but Aaron wiped the tears away with the sleeve of his sweater. “I just…after everything…ever since he came back…it’s like he’s back in here,” Aaron muttered, as he pressed his fist against his temple.

Robert had never really realized how deep the hurt and sorrow had been for Aaron. He knew it had been terrible, of course he knew that. But he just started to realize where that man had put Aaron through, where he continued to put him through, even though he wasn’t there anymore.

“All I can hear is him saying that it’s wrong, that it’s bad. I can’t stop hearing his voice. All I could think about were all the times he…hurt me. Al I could think about were his hands on me, pinning me down, his voice telling me, he’s only trying to punish me for being naughty. I couldn’t keep the memories out of my mind.” Aaron’s eyes were filled with tears again, and this time he let them fall, his body shaking lightly. 

Robert felt sick to the stomach, hearing Aaron’s describe Gordon ordeals, hearing Aaron’s voice break as he tried to tell him what was going on inside his head. Robert would’ve killed Gordon himself right now, if he wasn’t already behind bars, for all the things he had put Aaron through and continued to do so. 

“I thought it would be over,” Aaron confessed quietly: “I thought I would finally be free. Turns out, he’s still there and I can’t shut him out.”

Robert didn’t know what to say or do. He couldn’t take away Aaron’s pain, he couldn’t take those memories away from him. He could only be there for him and guide him whenever Aaron needed him. Robert chose his words carefully when he finally spoke: “I know I can’t take away the memories, Aaron, but I want you to know that I won’t leave you. I won’t pressure you into anything you’re not ready for. We can take it slow. We can take it in any pace you want. I understand Aaron, I do.” Robert took in a deep breath, trying to order his own thoughts. “I’ll make you see that it can feel good again, that it can be beautiful and special and loving. And when you’re ready I will make you feel all the things he ripped away from you. I’m not giving up on you. I won’t know how to,” Robert confessed softly.

Aaron was silent for so long, Robert started to wonder if Aaron had heard him at all. Aaron took in a deep breath beside him. “It can take a while,” Aaron replied softly, his eyes focusing on Robert.

“Take all the time you need, Aaron. I’m not going anywhere,” Robert answered, feeling the need to reassure Aaron, knowing how true his own words were. 

Aaron bit his lower lip, before he slowly nodded his head. They sat in silence for a while. Robert gave Aaron the time to come to himself, to calm himself down. Eventually Aaron was the one to break the silence. 

“Thank you, for coming,” he said, his voice small but grateful.

“Whatever you need,” Robert replied sincere: “I’ll be there.”

Aaron nodded his head and a smile crossed over Aaron’s face. It was small, but it was a smile nonetheless. It warmed Robert’s heart to see it. 

“Home?” Robert asked after another moment of silence.

Aaron nodded his head again. “Home.”

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on tumblr: http://wolkje25.tumblr.com/
> 
> Thanks go to my beta: Hayfieldmc, thank you Marie! For putting up with me!
> 
> Let me know what you think.


End file.
